This is my first blog as CEO of Kintsugi Hope and I thought I would share a little of my journey in arriving here.

I left a much-loved job just over 18 months ago and found myself wondering what was next and how to move forwards. I was very much grieving for the job that I had left and needed to just find a way to put one foot in front of the other, let alone find a new dream job. I had had my dream job — there could never be another, right? I had a lot to process, put down and new things to learn and pick up.

I knew that journalling was a good thing to do, to help process emotion and life events, but knowing myself to be a talker more than a pen and paper writer, I began audio journalling: speaking into a voice memo letting my words carry my thoughts, emotions, prayers, worries, upset, hopes and dreams into my phone [if you’re a verbal processor I thoroughly recommend it]. I found that as I spoke, I was putting images to my feelings which helped me identify and interpret them.

One of the pictures I had was of a plane circling in a ‘holding pattern’. A holding pattern is an area of airspace designated for a plane to circle round to delay it landing. It can only leave its holding pattern and descend to land when air traffic control gives clearance. There are a variety of reasons why a plane landing is delayed: bad weather conditions, poor visibility, congestion on the ground. Air traffic control can see the conditions and situation on the ground and know better than the pilot when it is safe to land. A great analogy for how God sees the way ahead when we simply cannot, and he sometimes makes us wait, until either WE are ready, or our destination is ready for us to ‘land’. I understood the analogy but was frustrated with the reality.

My situation was that I had taken off from one destination (job) and was on my way to a future destination but that the conditions were not right for me to land yet, so I was in a holding pattern. Practically that looked like doing some contract work, some freelance work and not really feeling drawn to ‘land’ in any job role that I had seen to that point. People would ask me, ‘Ellie what are you doing? What’s your next role?’ and it was frustrating to have to keep saying ‘I don’t know yet — I’m in a holding pattern’! I learned that I’m not as ok with uncertainty as I thought I was, nor am I good at waiting! But I truly hadn’t yet found a role or job that I believed was right for me to go for; to ‘land’ in.

Eventually, an opportunity arose with Kintsugi Hope. Here it was, I finally found a role that I was passionate about and felt drawn to. I’ve always had the attitude that if there is an opportunity in front of you and you think it might be good for you, you may as well try it and trust that if it’s not the one for you it won’t happen. So, I applied for the role knowing that there was a full process to go through with multiple interviews and presentations and that at any time the opportunity could close. But as I went through the process and had conversations with the Trustees, Co-Founders and Staff it became clear to me that this was a role that was a great fit for me, and it was my safe landing place; thankfully they agreed. And so here I am, a month into being the CEO for Kintsugi Hope.

My 18 months of ‘circling’ was not wasted time though. In fact, that time helped to shape me and prepare me and teach me things ready for this next season. I would never have chosen to be in a state of uncertainty for 18 months; I would never have chosen to be out of full-time permanent employment; I would never have chosen the grief of leaving an organisation and role that I had loved for a very long time. But I’ve found there is something special that happens when we go through times of uncertainty, times of healing. I’ve understood things about God, myself and others that I never would have without this season. I’ve put things down that are no longer mine to carry. I’ve learned to trust God — ‘trusting without seeing’ kind of trust; that annoying kind of trust that you’d rather not have to do, but actually draws you deeper into faith and belief in God. So, I’m grateful for my time spent in a holding position because now I have safely landed and feel ready to pick up new things and be ready for what’s next.

I have plenty challenges as I orientate in my new role, but I can’t help feeling excited about the opportunity ahead for Kintsugi Hope. The opportunity to see thousands of people helped in their emotional and mental well-being all over the UK and for the church to be front and central to loving its neighbour and creating safe and supportive spaces for people of all faiths and none. I hope you will pray, support and follow along the journey with me and the rest of the Kintsugi Hope team.

Ellie Gage (CEO of Kintsugi Hope)